Mangoes

At 23 weeks, Spanky Lulu weighs a little over a pound, which is about the weight of a large mango.  She is still about a foot long.  Which totally reminds of those super annoying new Subway commercials for the $5, the $5 foot long…

According to Baby Center, “Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won’t faze her when she hears them outside the womb”

I am hoping that this really means that if Spanky Lulu grows accustomed to the vacuum cleaner now, she will arrive all ready to vacuum and do other chores around the house.

In other news, the rash is getting better.  It’s still kind of itchy and unpleasant, but it’s way better than it was.  That’s the last time I mock the infusion of nettles.

Spanky Lulu has also undertaken an extensive routine of acrobatics.  She is particularly fond of kicking me when I am hungry.  It’s like hitting someone when they’re already down.  It’s not like I don’t already know that I am ravenous.

Birthing class dropout

At 22 weeks, Spanky Lulu is about 11 inches long and weighs about a pound.  That’s the length of a spaghetti squash.

Unfortunately the stuff the doctor gave me to treat the rash hasn’t been working.  So I am using that along with some of the herbal remedies our midwife suggested.  I had to brew my own infusion of nettles.  Yup, nettles.  I drank the first one today and it tasted like dirt.  I did drink it without vomiting, so I took that to be a good sign.  It kind of reminded me of bad tea at a Chinese restaurant.

In other news, we had signed up for a childbirth class at the midwife’s suggestion.  She thought it might be good for us to be around other expectant people.  So we registered for hypnobirthing.  The other options had a real hospital slant to them, including whole sessions devoted to navigating pain management.  We figured we would go with hypnobirthing since it sounded more in line with the kind of birth we would be having.  And then we got the book.  The basis of the class is Jason hypnotizing me into a relaxed state so as not to feel pain or something.  There were daily affirmations and meditations and all sorts of things that we had to practice.  What put me over the edge was some meditation about envisioning my womb as a hot air balloon.  I have always been, and will likely continue to be, the person that laughs hysterically at all of that kind of stuff.  I can’t meditate.  I can’t affirm.  And I certainly can’t be hypnotized by Jason.  I can’t even get through a yoga class without bursting into hysterics.  So for the sake of the other people in the class, who would probably be really earnest and committed, we quit hypnobirthing.

And while it’s true that we’re having a home birth.  You might think that herbs and hypnosis would fit right in.  Not here.  This is going to be one non-fruity home birth.

Flesh-Eating Diseases

It’s true.  Spanky Lulu is eating my flesh.  Or something.  I have come down with this totally freakish skin condition.  It’s called PUPPP or something.  That’s an acronym for horribly itchy hive-like things that spread all across your stomach and legs.  It’s GROSS.  According to the doctor, there is no known cause.  It just happens in pregnant people fairly frequently.  But the itchiness wakes me up in the middle of the night and I can’t help but scratch it.  Which makes it spread.  I know, I know…I need to stop.  Jason keeps threatening to make me sleep with oven mitts on.

Anyway, the doctor gave me some medicine that shouldn’t cause Spanky Lulu to grow a third eye.  Hopefully that will help.  She also mentioned that this is normally a 3rd trimester problem.  But lucky for me, I got it early.  And will probably have it until the bitter end.  Bring it on.

My primary care doctor cracks me up.  She asked me if I was a “purist.”  Which I guess means following all of the rules of pregnancy — alcohol, cold cuts, sleeping on your back, soft unpasturized cheese, etc…I said not really.  And then she informed me that pregnant women can drink a lot more alcohol than they do.  So she said I should have a drink, since it will make me forget the itching.

Apples

At 15 weeks, Spanky is the size of an apple, 4 inches long and weighing in at 2 1/2 ounces. According to these wacky BabyCenter people, if you were to shine a light at my stomach, Spanky would move away from the light. Please don’t shine a light at my stomach. That is weird.

We saw the midwife this week and got to hear the heartbeat again. This time, it sounded like horses. I hope we are not having a horse.

Pregnancy has been good for my mild hypochondria. Anything strange or out of the ordinary now has a very clear reason. Strange creepy rashes all over…must be pregnancy hormones. Can’t sleep…obviously pregnancy. I am not sure what I am going to do when I don’t have an excuse anymore. I will probably go back to fantasizing about dengue fever, monkey pox and blood clots.