Catching Up

Here is a quick recap of the last 2 weeks:

1. Spanky Lulu turned 29 weeks. She is 2 1/2 pounds, the approximate weight of a butternut squash.   Lies.
2. Spanky Lulu got a new set of wheels.  One of our housemates brought home a fancy stroller leftover from the last movie he worked on.  Now Spanky Lulu has two options for going cruising.
3. Carbo-loading bloodwork all came back fine.
4. Acupuncture seemed to make my back and hips feel better.
5. Thanksgiving was a rockin’ good time.
6. Getting stuck in traffic coming home from Thanksgiving undid all of the good work done by the acupuncturist.
7. Can’t walk, sit, sleep or move around on account of the stiffness brought about by sitting in the car during the aforementioned traffic.
8. Lack of sleep may also be realted to middle-of-the-night acrobatics by alien baby.
9. We became those “freaky, weird homebirth people” at our childbirth education class.  More on this class later — it’s totally insane.
10. Going back to the acupuncturist and possibly the masseuse in hopes that I can walk normally again sometime soon.

Carbo Loading

So Spanky and I had to go for some bloodwork today.  One of the tests was for gestational diabetes.  Instead of doing the test where we had to drink the sugary nasty juice, we just had to eat.  A LOT.  Two hours before the blood test, I had to go an eat a meal high in carbs and protein.  So we went to the diner down the street and I ate lots.  Eggs.  Sausage.  Home fries.  And a bagel.  Then maybe a bite or two of Jason’s home fries.  It was tasty.  Then we went to get the tests done.

We won’t get the results until next week.  But the midwife suspects that diabetes is not an issue.  However, if she thinks we need to try the test again next week, I won’t turn down the breakfast!

Week 28 means that Spanky Lulu weighs the same as a head of Chinese cabbage — 2.25 pounds.  What’s up with the stinky vegetables?

Baby got back

Baby got back is similar to Baby got Barack, but this one actually has to do with the baby’s ass.

I totally forgot to mention this last week, but at week 27, Spanky Lulu weighed 2 pounds and was about 14.5 inches long.  (I continue to assert that it’s a big lie and this child continues to exceed all fruit and vegetable calculations).  Apparently 2 pounds is the weight of a head of cauliflower.  Cauliflower smells real bad.  Let’s not talk about it anymore.

In our last visit with the midwife, we confirmed our suspicions about Spanky’s position.  We have known for weeks that Spanky likes to hang out on the right side.  And if you look at my stomach, one side totally sticks out more than the other.  If you look even closer, you can see this round lump protruding from the right side.  Jason and I made the untrained determination that Spanky Lulu was sticking her butt out and the lump we were seeing was actually the outline of her butt.  We asked Audra and sure enough, Spanky’s head is down where it’s supposed to be, her butt is sticking out of the side of my stomach and her legs are under my rib cage.  While she is in a good position for delivery, I am not sure that I can spend the next 3 months with her poking my bladder with her fist and kicking me in the ribs.  If I didn’t object so strongly to having pictures taken of my stomach, I would provide photographic evidence of this.  But you will just have to use your imagination.

Things are moving along smoothly.  The rash is under control.  I have a glucose screening this week and some bloodwork.  And we switch to 2 midwife visits per month.  I think that means the end is in sight.  I have been having a lot of hip and back pain, so I am off to the acupuncturist next week in hopes that she can make it all better.  I think that the issue has to do with our mattress.  But that’s a whole other post.  And for those of you keeping track, I bought a winter coat.

Baby got Barack

We introduced Spanky Lulu to the democratic process this week. I was less than thrilled with the idiot people in front of us in line at the polling station who brought their dog into the school gym while they voted. The dog in the little booth caused me to have an sneezing fit in the middle of voting. Who brings their dog to vote? Why am I allergic to everything?

Thanks to the good people of the Commonwealth, Spanky Lulu won’t go to jail if caught with less than an ounce of pot. Hopefully, that won’t be an issue for a nice long time. But if we do end up raising a devil-child, it will be nice to know that we won’t have to bail her out of the pokey for that one.

While we have mixed feelings about the election outcomes (thumbs up for Obama, sadness for Prop 8 and the other ballot questions), I am feeling a lot better about bringing a child into the world. Spanky Lulu will arrive about a month after the inauguration and I think the timing is fortuitous. There is something to be said for starting out surrounded by a lot of hope and promise for better things ahead.

In other news, we are at 26 weeks. Spanky is the length of an English cucumber. And weighs almost 2 pounds. Apparently her hearing is continuing to develop and she can hear us. While I am sure we sound like we are talking from inside a swimming pool, I may need to stop cursing her existence every time I stand up and everything aches. We should also probably stop swearing. But I guess there is plenty of time for that.

On Saturday, we are going to a couple’s pre-natal massage workshop. I hope it’s not mad fruity.

Rutabagas

A quick recap — last week, at 24 weeks, Spanky Lulu was the size of an ear of corn.

This week, week 25, Spanky Lulu is 13 or so inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds, which is the weight of a rutabaga.  What is a rutabaga, you ask?  The swede, (yellow) turnip, swedish turnip or rutabaga is a root vegetable that originated as a cross between the cabbage and the turnip. Its leaves can also be eaten as a leaf vegetable.  Excellent.

These Baby Center people are WHACK.  This alien baby weighs far more than a pound and a half.  In my expert medical opinion, this baby already weighs 25 pounds.  She is heavy.  And it’s hard to carry her around all the time.  I fear I may have developed the pregnant lady waddle.

We are now in month 6, which is fantastic, because it’s just one month closer to the end.  I feel fine, things are uneventful, but I am feeling just the slightest bit done with this whole pregnancy thing.  And that’s unfortunate, since February is so far away!

In other news, it has gotten cold.  And I need to get a coat or something.  My grandmother, very kindly, offered me her old mink coat.  As I told her, I think I would rather freeze my ass off for the next 4 months than wear the mink.  In the meantime, however, I will continue to wear unbuttoned layers and hope that I can avoid pneumonia.

Cinnamon Buns

My newest favorite thing in the whole world is Ben and Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns ice cream.  It is amazing.  It has real chunks of cinnamon bun dough and swirls of cinnamon and sugar throughout.  I tastes like a Cinnabon with cream cheese frosting.  You should check it out:

Judging from her reaction, I am guessing that Spanky Lulu likes it, too.

Mangoes

At 23 weeks, Spanky Lulu weighs a little over a pound, which is about the weight of a large mango.  She is still about a foot long.  Which totally reminds of those super annoying new Subway commercials for the $5, the $5 foot long…

According to Baby Center, “Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won’t faze her when she hears them outside the womb”

I am hoping that this really means that if Spanky Lulu grows accustomed to the vacuum cleaner now, she will arrive all ready to vacuum and do other chores around the house.

In other news, the rash is getting better.  It’s still kind of itchy and unpleasant, but it’s way better than it was.  That’s the last time I mock the infusion of nettles.

Spanky Lulu has also undertaken an extensive routine of acrobatics.  She is particularly fond of kicking me when I am hungry.  It’s like hitting someone when they’re already down.  It’s not like I don’t already know that I am ravenous.

Birthing class dropout

At 22 weeks, Spanky Lulu is about 11 inches long and weighs about a pound.  That’s the length of a spaghetti squash.

Unfortunately the stuff the doctor gave me to treat the rash hasn’t been working.  So I am using that along with some of the herbal remedies our midwife suggested.  I had to brew my own infusion of nettles.  Yup, nettles.  I drank the first one today and it tasted like dirt.  I did drink it without vomiting, so I took that to be a good sign.  It kind of reminded me of bad tea at a Chinese restaurant.

In other news, we had signed up for a childbirth class at the midwife’s suggestion.  She thought it might be good for us to be around other expectant people.  So we registered for hypnobirthing.  The other options had a real hospital slant to them, including whole sessions devoted to navigating pain management.  We figured we would go with hypnobirthing since it sounded more in line with the kind of birth we would be having.  And then we got the book.  The basis of the class is Jason hypnotizing me into a relaxed state so as not to feel pain or something.  There were daily affirmations and meditations and all sorts of things that we had to practice.  What put me over the edge was some meditation about envisioning my womb as a hot air balloon.  I have always been, and will likely continue to be, the person that laughs hysterically at all of that kind of stuff.  I can’t meditate.  I can’t affirm.  And I certainly can’t be hypnotized by Jason.  I can’t even get through a yoga class without bursting into hysterics.  So for the sake of the other people in the class, who would probably be really earnest and committed, we quit hypnobirthing.

And while it’s true that we’re having a home birth.  You might think that herbs and hypnosis would fit right in.  Not here.  This is going to be one non-fruity home birth.

The first of many…

Spanky Lulu experienced her first (and second) plane rides this week.  Our trip to Florida was completely uneventful and I was thrilled to see that flying while pregnant made me no more nauseous than flying normally.  Spanky also got to meet a lot of her future family members.

Spanky and I also experienced our first stomach touching.  I am going to reserve judgment on this activity, as many of the repeat offenders are likely to be reading this.  I will say, however, that it’s creepy weird.  Especially coming from this woman, who bore a striking resemblance to a horse…she was unabashed in her touching of the stomach.  And she completely ignored the scowl I gave her.  It was really hard to resist the urge to punch her.  I didn’t punch her.

Let it just be known that I have never been compelled to reach out and rub someone elses stomach.

Finally, at 21 weeks, Spanky Lulu is the size of a carrot.  She is 10.5 inches long and weighs 3/4 of a pound.  The weight shocks me.  She feels a lot heavier than that.  And as I mentioned last week, she continues to reside directly on my bladder.  Awesome.

We’re halfway there, now…

So 20 weeks.  That went by pretty quickly and uneventfully.  So I think we’re off to a good start.  But it is a little shocking that there are another 5 months to go.  How come no one ever tells you that being pregant is a 10 month commitment, not 9 months?  Why is that?

Anyway, at this very important milestone Spanky Lulu is big.  I know she is big, because she positions herself in all manner of uncomfortable locations.  ALL THE TIME.  According to Baby Center, she is now 10 1/2 ounces and 10 inches from head to heel.  Which is the length of a banana.  That is 10 1/2 ounces of baby sitting on my internal organs.  What happens when she weighs 7 pounds?  I can’t even think about it…